The Unbreakable Hope

A blog about my experience with chronic illness and finding hope in the darkest days

Tag: Physical therapy

Swimming Lessons

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On June 21, 2021

In Uncategorized

Yesterday marked the last day of the 2021 Olympic Swimming Trials. My family and I have been watching it throughout the week, eager to turn on the tv and dive into a world we no longer inhabit. 

Swimming was a large part of my childhood but it was an even bigger part of my family. In fact, it’s how my family came to be: my parents met at a swim meet. My dad excelled on the high school swim team and my mother was born a water bug. Growing up, I watched her direct a swim lesson program, teach lessons to the neighbors at the local pool, coach on a club swim team, and even petition for a local natatorium. For my mother, water is a magnet and she can’t resist its pull.

My middle brother swam briefly before switching to basketball and my oldest brother competed nationally before going on to swim in college. I myself swam for ten years on club and summer league swim teams, but halfway through high school, I left to pursue musical theatre. Swimming was a rite of passage shared by every member of my family, and we each have our own unique relationship with the sport.

A picture of my dad and me at a swim meet.

Watching the Olympic Swimming Trials has brought me back to my swimming days, which could also be considered my pre-POTS days. They were the days of boundless energy, of two hour swim practices and the sweaty dry-land conditioning sessions that followed. They were the days of eating whatever I wanted, of killing time on deck with friends, of giggling underwater and fiddling with my goggles on the wall as my coach yells at me to keep swimming. I never loved swimming enough to commit to the sport the way others have–the way my oldest brother had–but there was enough love to look back fondly on the memories, which is what I’ve been doing a lot of lately. 

I’ve swam laps at the neighborhood pool twice this week, mostly to keep up my POTS treatment but also to pretend I am an Olympic swimmer (no shame). Swimming is actually great for POTS because it’s horizontal exercise. Plus, the pool water helps me get some sun without overheating. Major win! My olympic fantasy collapses after 100 meters in the pool however, when I come up gasping for air and realize how much distance lies between my daydreams and the swimmer I am now. 

In passing, I mentioned to my mom how I can’t wrap my head around the fact that at 15 years old, I swam an average of 7,000 yards at 2 hour swim practices, 5-6 times a week. Sometimes, I had swim practice twice a day. And although I was certainly ravenous and ready for a good night sleep afterwards, my tiredness was minuscule compared to the exhaustion I experience from POTS. 

“I took my abilities and accomplishments for granted,” I told my mom, whilst feeling compassion for my 15 year old self who couldn’t possibly understand. She didn’t know what she could lose, what she would lose in time, and the privileges she’d one day learn to live without. 

A picture of me diving into the pool for a relay.

The memories of what it’s like to be normal, to go to swim practice and stand in the shower and still have energy left over, flicker in my mind briefly before quickly fading away. They’re like a name I can’t remember but lives on the tip of my tongue, or like a person that looks familiar but whose face I can’t quite place. They are a sketch of my old life, a rough outline but nothing more. The memories are my childhood, the majority of my life, yet they are so hazy that I question whether or not they were a dream. 

Last Thursday, I stopped by the local tax office to pick up my permanent disability parking placards. They’re mostly for school, so that I can park in disability spots closer to classes and reduce my amount of walking across campus, but they’re also for flare days or gigantic, Texas-sized parking lots. It felt surreal to hold them in my hand and recognize they were prescribed for me, not for my grandpa or anyone else, but me: the same girl who swam two hour swim practices six times a week. Plus dry-land.

There’s no shame in a changing body or having disabilities and limitations. There’s no failure in using a disability parking placard or any other form of accommodations. Yet as I held the plastic placards on a steamy Texas afternoon, I wondered how many other people felt like I did: shocked to be acquiring these blue signs much sooner than expected. 

I thought of all the other POTS patients like me, who lived active, athletic childhoods before they were debilitated by chronic illness. Are their hearts also filled with grief for all they’ve lost? Are they too wandering around in their post-diagnosis life, dazed and confused and maybe even a little embarrassed, wondering where that little sporty kid went and if they’re ever coming back? 

Picture of me as a kid, standing behind the block before my race.

Thanks to a year and a half of physical therapy, these days I feel strong. I can go out dancing with friends, complete grocery shops with no problem, and spend over an hour in fitting rooms, trying on dress after dress after dress. In many ways, I feel the healthiest I’ve ever been, even if I do still have limitations. But feeling my strongest and most vibrant whilst picking up disability parking placards makes that whole experience even more confounding. 

In some ways, I wonder if my time as a swimmer equipped me for the challenges of chronic illness. Through swimming, I gained grit, endurance, and resilience. I learned how to keep pushing when the set got hard and my heart was pounding and all I wanted to do was quit and float in the middle of the pool. When the coach wrote a set on the board that looked entirely impossible, I understood nobody could finish practice for me, that I’d have to just keep swimming, no matter what. 

Flashbacks of the Future

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On February 20, 2021

In Uncategorized

It’s 8:30pm and I’ve just showered and put away my clothes. A year ago, I had to lie down after completing both of these activities. Less than a year ago, I had to take breaks whilst doing the latter. Fold the pants, lie down on the floor. Hang up the shirts, then back to the floor. Today I did both of these things, without surges of fatigue and weakness.

Healing takes time, but it is possible.

At times, I focus so intently on moving forward that I don’t let myself stop and reflect on the past. The act of reflection still feels risky, as if too much thought will teleport me back into those treacherous days. A part of me still feels skeptical about whether the progress I’ve made will last, but it’s not foolish, wishful thinking to say I’m doing much better these days. Even if saying so still feels like a hopeful aspiration, it is not premature, exaggerating, or anything close to a fib. 

I’m still learning how to finally settle into this truth. 

But as it turns out, I’m still really angry about what it took to get here. To get back to the place where I can hang up clothes and take a shower without exhausting myself. It took over a year of physical therapy, of dedicating and centralizing my life around a rehabilitation program. It took drastic changes in my diet, cutting out gluten, processed sugar, peanuts, fermented products, most dairy, basically a whole lot of food that makes life worth living. It took over a year of gastric distress, finding out what works and more disappointingly, what doesn’t.

It took one year of trying and failing, one year of the tiniest baby steps. It took one year of hoping, and not being able to stomach my numerous doubts. Before all this, it took two years of unexplained symptoms and a year and half of medical trauma. In total, it took three years of feeling unwell, every day of my young adult life.

It took too much to get here, and yet somehow, I still feel grateful.

A picture of me with takeout from P. Terry’s, a go-to restaurant of mine that accommodates my many food restrictions. #PTafterPT

I wonder how long my fury and gratitude will be able to coexist. When it comes to my health, I can’t seem to feel gratitude these days without also feeling eclipsing rage. The two are wrapped up against each other, tangled like a knotted necklace that only exasperates me.

I wonder if they’ll ever untangle or if they’re now forever intertwined. I’m hoping for the former, but I guess I’ll have to get back to you on that.

While it devastates me, all it took to get here, part of me feels a sense of pride. I fought like hell to rebuild my life, brick by brick, hour by hour. It’s worth mentioning I didn’t do it alone, that I couldn’t do it alone, and am privileged to have the resources I did. It takes a village to cope with chronic illness, and I thank every family member of mine, every friend who ever checked in on me, and every doctor, physical therapist, dietician, psychotherapist, and health professional that contributed to my care.

Yet in all transparency, the monotony of my current reality frequently frustrates and underwhelms me. While I’m ecstatic to be physically able to put away my clothes again, I feel discouraged about being cooped up inside, isolated within the same scenery I was in whilst being housebound over a year ago. I wish I were spending these days of better health going out with my friends, studying on campus, making the memories I missed out on, rather than continuing to stay cooped inside the same house my illness confined me to a year ago.

Yesterday morning I woke up to the news of a possible, serious gas leak. I was instructed not to use any appliances and was warned that even simply flipping on a light switch could be enough to prompt an explosion. (No biggie.) With the stealth of a ninja, muttering on repeat, “I will not turn on a light switch, I will not turn on a light switch,” I collected my things and adventured to my grandparents’ house, who conveniently live next door.

Double-masked and bundled up, looking around my grandparents’ living room, it occurred to me it’s been nearly a year since I last stepped foot in their home. Obviously, this wasn’t an ideal situation, as they haven’t yet had their second vaccine and I hadn’t completed a full, proper 14 day quarantine, but despite my nervousness, I was elated to see them nonetheless, and get out of the house for a change.

Picture of myself, exasperated by 2021’s unrelenting curveballs.

In one of my current classes at school, we recently read Story of Your Life, which is a short story by Ted Chiang, a popular science fiction writer. This story later went on to inspire the movie Arrival, and it deals with 2 concepts of awareness: simultaneous consciousness and sequential consciousness. I’ll try to spare you from all the elaborate, complicated details, but essentially, sequential consciousness is how us humans perceive our lives: one event follows the other and the future is always unknown. With simultaneous consciousness however, the past, present, and future are experienced all at once, so the future is not only predetermined, but it’s explicitly known ahead of time.

Obviously, it’s unlikely I will develop simultaneous consciousness in this lifetime and I am unfortunately doomed to live out my days with complete ignorance of the future. But every now and then, I swear I’m in that short story, getting glimpses of the future, of memories I’ve not yet made but will make, in time. They’re almost like visions (dramatic word choice, but let me live..) and in every one of them, I can see myself happy, surrounded by people again.

I had one of these “visions” while at my grandparents’ yesterday, and it filled me with hope that one day, my isolation will end. Sitting at their kitchen table, in the same place I have throughout my childhood, I experienced what can only be called ‘flashbacks of the future.’ I saw myself hugging friends, without masks, our smiles visible. I saw myself finally reuniting with family, embracing without hesitation.

It won’t be much longer until I am spending afternoons with my grandparents again, and when I do, it won’t be only when emergency strikes (spoiler: there was no gas leak). It won’t be much longer until I am seated at a restaurant table, laughing and dining with friends, or until I can travel and visit loved ones, until I am immersed in life again.

“It won’t be long now,” I say to myself over and over, until I run out of breath. It’s so close, I can feel it, and I swear I can see it too.

Say what you want, call it imagination or complete delusion, but I got a glimpse of the future yesterday, and it was beautiful, and real.

Hermit Season

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On February 18, 2021

In Uncategorized

A winter storm hit Texas last Thursday and it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Temperatures have plummeted to historic lows, numbers of which are unheard of in my hot and humid neck of the woods. With over 4 million Texans suffering through power outages, my access to wifi and central heating feels like winning the lottery. I’m living every moment as if it’s my last with power and electricity because frankly, it very well could be.

I’ve spent the past three days huddled by electrical outlets while consuming alarming amounts of hot tea, mentally prepping for my next meal and its alternative, if need be. Classes are canceled, as is physical therapy, so I’ve been stuck at home like everyone else, racking my brain for ways to make the most out of this unexpected holiday.

There’s an odd feeling of familiarity within this situation, a sense that I’ve done this all before. And in a way, I have. Not with frosty terrain and winter weather warnings, but with an illness that made me housebound and a pandemic with lockdowns of its own. I’ve learned how to tolerate isolation, how to cope and even thrive within its catalog of restrictions, and at this point, I’ve become a seasoned hermit, a skill that’s boded me well this past year.

I find it almost amusing how POTS is no longer what’s keeping me inside these days. Now, it’s a historic snow storm, covid-19, and online classes that keep me locked up for days at a time. As I continue to recover and heal from chronic illness, there’s no “regular life” I can return to, no normalcy I can acclimate myself with or strive to finally attain. I know I said it’s “almost amusing,” but the longer I remain isolated, the words ‘frustrating’ and ‘lonely’ also come to mind.

Often, I joke that POTS prepared me for the pandemic, with all those days spent chained to the couch doubling as a weird bootcamp of sorts. I joke that I had a sixth month head-start on all my peers, building up the endurance required for a year of quarantine and isolation. And while it is true that POTS taught me how to be patient and nurture hope, covid-19 made my small world even smaller, and the limited contact I had with friends become even more scarce and constrained. These days, when I get cabin fever, it’s nearly unbearable; it’s as if I’ve been isolating in double time.

Picture of the snowfall from my walk yesterday, which was brisk in every way.

Spending most of my time at home, in a space that is comfortable and tailored for my body’s needs, it’s easy to find the outside world increasingly more overwhelming with its loud noises, busy freeways, bad drivers, and precariousness. At home, my meds and salty snacks are right where I left them, and anything I might possibly need is always within reach. I can pace myself easily, rest whenever needed, and I never have to worry about pushing my body beyond its limits. I feel safe at home, comfortable at home, and yet I can’t help but worry all this time in isolation is only prolonging and delaying my integration back into the “real world.”

I have to admit I’ve grown a little scared of the “real world.” When I developed POTS, I also developed an anxiety more acute than I’ve ever known. Once a daredevil child who flipped off diving boards without second thoughts, I’m now easily frazzled by things as simple as the local grocery store at peak hour. Small changes in my routine are enough to send me spinning, and while I used to consider myself a social butterfly, I now find myself sweating when I have to respond in the group chat. POTS has implanted a fear that runs deep within me, and now I can’t help but constantly anticipate the next flare or episode or trip to the emergency room. I can’t help but hate POTS for that, and all the other ways it’s altered me to my core.

I’m discovering recovery is as much of a mental endeavor as it is a physical one. It’s as if I’m having to rewire my brain, training it to trust my body and self again. Living with a nervous system that’s chronically hyperactive, I have to constantly coax myself out of “fight or flight” mode. Every day, I try to convince my body there’s no danger it needs to brace for.

As dispiriting as it can be to recover within isolation, it’s been a relief to watch the outside world slow down alongside me. Now, the world pulses in a rhythm much closer to my own, and it’s allowed me to take my time as I trudge through the gnarly work of healing. Now, I’m not the only one opting for another night in, becoming more and more socially awkward as the many days go by. Though I wouldn’t exactly call my situation “ideal,” I know it could be worse in an abundance of ways.

This time at home has allowed me to recuperate at my own speed, removing the temptation to “keep up” with everyone around me. It’s let me gradually ease myself back into a life that has deadlines and structure, while also giving me ample time to read and write–two things that sustain me. Because covid-19 has forced most universities to shift online, I’ve even returned to school as a full-time student, which happened sooner than I expected. As tired as I am of isolation, it’s provided me with a unique opportunity to focus on my recovery.

I know, eventually, there will be an end to all of this hermitting. The snow will melt, the pandemic will subside, and classes will be held in person again. I’d like to think there will be a day where I’ll forget how it felt to be this isolated. But until then, I’ll continue to make the most of all this time alone. (Which right now, if I’m honest, means watching Ted Lasso every night.)

May the power, WiFi, and central heating be with you,

Alli

Wanna Trade?

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On November 15, 2020

In Uncategorized

Yesterday, a worker at Whole Foods caught my eye. It wasn’t so much that I was attracted to him except yeah, probably a little. It was more so that I was attracted to what he was doing: standing outside the store’s entrance, sanitizing grocery carts and noting how many customers walked through the doors.

Fascinating, isn’t it? Just enthralling, right?

Kidding, though only partly because I actually was intrigued.

I was intrigued because as he leaned against the wall, drumming his fingers on the beige concrete, I was peering out my car window, thinking of all I would give to trade places with him.

He probably didn’t know his job is a challenge for someone like me. He was probably unaware that while he was standing in the sun with ease, I was watching from afar, boiling with raging envy. Frankly, he probably takes his whole gig for granted, and for that, I really can’t blame him.

I know with absolute certainty my old self would’ve done the same. Without even closing my eyes, I can see 17-year old me leaning against that wall, checking my phone periodically, willing the time to move faster. Years ago, I was unaware that standing is a privilege, that it could and would be stolen for me, over and over again. My old self took it all for granted too, each and every day, and to that I say, of course she did. She didn’t know how much she could lose.

Even so, in my envious state, I’m convinced if it were me in that job, I’d cherish every minute of it. My yearning persuades me that for the rest of my life, the art of standing will never be lost on me; that every successful hour on my feet will feel victorious, euphoric even. I know I’m being generous, and eventually the novelty of standing will wear off. But staring at that Whole Foods worker on a warm Friday afternoon, I felt assured that what to him is probably considered mundane, will forever feel miraculous to me.

It is worth noting my stop at Whole Foods took place following a physical therapy session, so POTS was certainly heavy on the brain. But it always is, that’s nothing new. POTS is with me wherever I go.

I’m aware, all things considered, that I could do that job, right now, if I wanted to. I’d need a stool, maybe a fan, but I could do it. And that would be okay, to need a stool or other accommodations, except that I don’t want a stool. I want to stand in the sun in front of Whole Foods, greeting people for hours until everyone went home. And I want to feel well, up on my feet, without the dizziness and high heart rate that usually ensues. And I want to leave that shift without feeling utterly exhausted, and I want to wake up the next day and do it all over again.

I want to do that job and I want it to be easy. I want to feel so well, sanitizing those carts, that I dare to bravely deem myself bored. I want to feel so normal, standing there in the glorious sun, that for the first in a long time, I take it all for granted too.

If I were more brave and cared less of what others think, I would tell people these things. I would walk up to them and scream into their face, “Don’t you know how lucky you are?” In my daydreams, I do.

But in real life, I sit inside my car, nursing my longing, swallowing my rage. I fiddle with the radio, tuning out words I never say, waiting for my mother to eventually return with the groceries.

She does, puts them in the trunk, I put the car in drive. I hear the click of her seatbelt next to me, and then, we drive away.

A Year Ago

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On September 26, 2020

In Uncategorized

Yesterday was September 24th. I woke up, took my meds, ate breakfast and started on school work. It was a typical, ordinary day for me, filled with online classes, PT exercises, and journaling in my spare time. I’ve gotten used to both working at home and my dysfunctional body, and I’m settling into the “new normal” I once swore I would never obtain.

But this time last year, September 24th was anything but ordinary. It was a hard day that was chillingly easy, the day I moved out of my college apartment and officially withdrew from the university of my dreams.

I look back on this day with a stabbing pain inside my heart. A year ago, I was riding in a car packed to the brim with my fragmented life. Suitcases were arranged like Tetris in the trunk, stuffed with outfits I’d never wear for memories I’d never make, along with college spirit gear I suddenly had no use for. I was headed towards home, where I’d wait on referrals that were months away, wondering what would become of me while I wandered into unchartered darkness.

A year ago, my mother was overseas when I called, when I sputtered out the words, “met with my advisor”, “decided it’s best”, and “I can’t do this anymore”. I felt the words crawl through the phone, heard them plop out the other end, rippling across the vast Atlantic Ocean. Instead of catching a flight to Nice as planned, she booked a last-minute trip to Nashville instead, cutting her well-needed vacation short in order to help her debilitated daughter move out. She should’ve been walking along pebbled beaches in Southern France, catching up with longtime friends, but instead bore the brunt work of loading up my CR-V.

A year ago, my roommates surprised me with a dinner party. It was really a goodbye party, the only one I’ve ever had, and maybe I’m biased but it was also the best, filled with joy and laughter amidst our heavy sorrow. It hadn’t set in quite yet, that I would really be leaving–for now, for forever, for who knew how long. Up until this point, I was too focused on survival, how to make it to the next moment, to the step, to the next seemingly impossible breath.

Picture from said dinner party. 503 girls forever <3

A year ago, I turned in my keys to the RA. For five weeks, that little dorm room was mine, filled with symptoms and sleep and phone calls to my mother. I watched as the RA quickly closed the door, feeling the rattle of the doorframe reverberate in my bones. She took the keys, turning the lock, and as she did, I heard a small knocking, coming from a piece of myself stuck behind that door forever.

A year ago, I stood in the kitchen of that apartment, fidgeting, stalling, doing anything to stretch out time. My roommates and I looked at each other from across the table, daring one another to be the person who said it first–that one word, those two syllables. “Goodbye”. “Good-bye”. If it weren’t for my condition, I could’ve stood there until the end of time, suspended in the last moment of my old life.

A year ago, I left a university I adored. I abandoned plans, hopes, dreams, versions of myself I never got to become. The frightening truth is how easy it was, how easy it is to leave when you’re left with no other choice. With a sturdy composure, I gave a final wave to my roommates, shutting the car door, saying softly to my mother, “maybe this is what it takes for me to finally get better”.

My roommates saw someone brave, calm, and collected that day, saw their friend facing the unimaginable with an emotional armor made of steel. But the truth is, that armor was fleeting; when the spotlight turned off and the audience went home, my epic costume unraveled, leaving me bare, naked, and entirely defenseless.

These days, I’m so focused on moving forward with my recovery that the act of looking back feels unbearable and draining. My healing still seems fragile, as if one wrong step will shatter all the precious progress I’ve made. I worry that if I’m not careful and wander too far into the past, I’ll get lost there forever, reverting back into my crippled state, becoming frozen in moments I worked so hard to get out of.

It’s been a year since that day and so much has happened since then. I feel like a different person now; stronger, sturdier, more sane from the rest that was long overdue. But in my weakest moments, I transport right back into that apartment, where the sorrow and pain were acute and so raw, where I’m still the girl who’s terrified of what her life has become.

I don’t have any words for that version of myself. No advice, words of wisdom, or genuine encouragement. If I could, all I would do is wrap my arms around her; tightly, like a promise, never letting her go.

The Worst Possible Question

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On July 27, 2020

In Uncategorized

“So are you all better now?”

I was asked this question once, a little over a year ago. I was standing on stage at the time, shaking from a mix of nervousness and malaise. Not only did I feel unprepared for the musical theatre final exam performance I was about to give to my professors, but I realized I was unprepared to answer a question as loaded as this one.

When I received this question, I had spent the previous five weeks juggling classes with doctor’s appointments and an assortment of debilitating symptoms, and the thought of opening my mouth and singing Italian arias seemed like an impossible request. I was still waiting on referrals that were over a month away, constantly calling doctor’s offices to check on waitlists and possible openings while also recovering from an unexpected trip to the ER. Most people in my circle of friends and professors knew I was battling health issues, but none of them understood the full extent of that struggle. It felt as if I had a front-row seat to the unraveling of my old life but at the time, I seemed to be the only one who knew it was ending.

Those six words and their question mark peered over me like a magnifying glass. Standing on stage atop the small blue X, I imagined myself shrinking to the size of an ant, scurrying in circles under the collective gaze of my inquiring, well-meaning professors.

It felt as if I had a front-row seat to the unraveling of my old life but at the time, I seemed to be the only one who knew it was ending.”

My mind went into overdrive as the minion operating my brain scrambled through crumbling towers of hurt. How would I reveal there was an unnamed, invisible illness running rampant beneath my skin? How would I disclose that my lack of a diagnosis meant a lack of adequate treatment and a lack of adequate treatment meant a progression of my already debilitating symptoms? How would I explain that underneath my fancy dress and full face of makeup, I had never felt more unwell, that the short walk to that auditorium was a disabling excursion that would wipe me out for the rest of the day?

Under the bright yellow light inside the auditorium, I struggled to find the words that would fully illustrate my predicament. As I stalled and stammered, the bright lights appeared to close in on me like a tight, unmoving spotlight, and I half wished I’d look up to see it coming from a search helicopter overhead, arriving just in time to rescue me from the suffocating situation.

The panicked minion operating my mind.

I didn’t know how to tell my professors that I wasn’t “all better now”, that I wouldn’t be for quite a while, and that I was at the beginning of a diagnosis journey I was terrified to embark on. And even if I did somehow manage to find the words, would they even believe me? I stood before them in a full face of makeup plus heels and curled hair and a formal, flattering dress. I looked like all the other well, abled college students, resembling an attractive, healthy version of myself when really, it all felt like an extravagant costume. The attire that really suited me was back in my dorm, a crinkled mess of smelly sweatpants and a sweater, paired with a heating pad and my laptop for yet another evening in bed.

The rest of this memory is fuzzy now, and I can’t quite remember how exactly I replied. I’m almost certain I said something polite and gentle, probably adding a tasteful, weak laugh to mask my surprise and exasperation. I can tell you with full certainty that I didn’t say what I truly wanted to say, which would’ve been something along the lines of, “THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE QUESTION YOU COULD ASK SOMEONE WITH DEBILITATING, ONGOING HEALTH ISSUES!” I can tell you with unwavering confidence that I responded in a way that I always felt I had to: too kind, too polite, sacrificing my comfort for someone else’s.

Now, I have to give credit to the professor who asked me this question. They didn’t know what was wrong with me, and frankly, neither did I. My illness was still undiagnosed and also invisible, so only I truly knew the intensity of my symptoms. But from the very first appointment with my internist, I understood finding a name and explanation for my wide assortment of symptoms would be a long, tedious process. Referrals, I learned, took time, as does waiting for insurance approval and tracking said symptoms, and searching for a diagnosis can be a long, brutal game of ruling everything else out.

Eight months after receiving this question, I finally was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (also called ‘POTS’). For those of you who don’t know, POTS is a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system that is characterized by rapid heart rate, dizziness, and fatigue among other symptoms whenever the body is upright. Thanks to a grueling tilt-table test, at last I could put a name to what I was experiencing; to say I was relieved is an understatement.

Because there is no cure for POTS, treatment consists of managing symptoms. This is typically done through medication, physical therapy, and increased salt and fluids, however one of the challenges to POTS is there is no “POTS Pill”. Because the autonomic nervous system controls the entire body, this can lead to the need for various MD specialists as well as individualized treatment, due to the fact that this condition affects every patient differently. Will I be stuck with symptoms forever? It’s hard to say, but my neurologist is hopeful I’ll recover in two years (this depends on the cause of POTS – for some people, POTS is a lifelong battle, but prognoses are general estimate anyways). So after these two years, will I be free from POTS forever, never to have another symptom or flare again? I truly don’t have an answer to that, but that sounds like a dream come true.

It’s certainly daunting to be diagnosed with a chronic illness (especially when you’re young!! But that’s a blog post for another day…). It sounds like a hellish promise (“curse” is fitting too) that one will feel horrible every day, all of the time, for as long as they shall live. The reality is, there are good days and bad days, and on average, I land somewhere in the middle. In other words, I’m a frequent flier between the land of well and unwell.

Image of an airplane.

That being said, I have yet to have a day that was entirely symptom-free since developing POTS a rough two years ago. Symptoms still constantly interrupt my life, and even though I’ve learned how to integrate these limitations and restraints, I’m far from liberated by this debilitating illness.

But despite the frequency of my many, many symptoms (lol), the intensity has lessoned recently. Thanks to my doctors, physical therapy, and my magical dietician, I can tolerate much more activity than I could just a few months ago, and I have gained back quite a bit of freedom and independence. (Last week I drove myself to and fro my physical therapy session, which in total is over an hour of driving AND I worked out for an hour AND I stopped for lunch AND I took the long way home!! Major win!). These past few months have been much kinder and bearable for me, and oddly enough, in this time of better days, I’ve found myself asking that same loaded question.

“So are you all better now?”

Because I am doing better, there is a part of me that assumes I have to be “all better now”. That I can’t ever step backwards, that I can’t still be sad about getting sick, that I must be happy and grateful about all my progress and achievements. And in a way, it makes a lot of sense. Why wouldn’t I be happy about not feeling as sick as I used to? That alone is reason to celebrate! But the reality is, I’m still processing all I’ve been through. The reality is, I’m still not where I’d like to be. The reality is, I still feel sad that I have POTS. Still totally enraged. Still utterly in shock.

Even as I recover physically from POTS, there are hurdles in my mind that I’m continuously tripping over. There is a fear that follows me everywhere I go of what symptoms might arise, what activity might spark a flare, or what new episode might take over my body. This loss of control is still terrifying to me, and this disabling fear lurks in the background of my life like a camouflaged predator I can never outrun.

I’m doing better, but I’m not “all better now”. I hope one day I might be, but for now, I take it day by day. Healing from chronic illness often feels like a daily dance of baby footsteps; sometimes forwards, sometimes back, sometimes it’s merely a side shuffle, but the key is to just keep moving. These steps can feel discouraging when everyone else is whizzing past in a smooth, effortless waltz, but I choose to keep dancing with the hope that one day, all these baby footsteps might take me to that hazy horizon of healing, to that final, epic finish line of recovery, and to the top of this mountain where I can look down and say “I made it. I actually finally made it”.

You get used to chronic illness, but you also never do.

By

On May 26, 2020

In Uncategorized

It is a typical Tuesday morning, and my mother is knocking on my bedroom door. She comes bearing breakfast, carrying a vibrant red tray that holds a plate of fried egg and potatoes, a small, ripe orange, salt tablets and an electrolyte-filled water bottle. She’s wearing a smile and summons the sunshine, opening up my blinds to let the light in. “Good morning” she says, delivering a kiss to my head. She leaves me to wake up, and heads back downstairs.

I nibble on the kind food, waiting for my medicine to kick in before I can rush to the bathroom. I am grateful for her generous labor in the kitchen, aware of how much thought, time, and energy she put into making this food, but I also feel angry that I couldn’t walk downstairs and cook breakfast myself. I juggle this gratitude and resentment as I lazily circle my feet, stimulating blood flow and nudging my tired, cranky body to begin this new day. 

My mornings weren’t always so slow, and it didn’t always take an average of two and a half hours to get my body functioning, but everything changed after being diagnosed with a chronic, disabling health condition last December. Vaguely, I can remember the days where I’d spring out of bed, throw on my sneakers, and head out for a two mile run before school. Those mornings seem like ages ago, like memories that belong to someone else except they don’t. They’re still mine. I have to remind myself of this often.

 It’ll be at least another hour of circling my feet and waiting, an hour of getting up just to sit back down all the while chugging oceans and oceans of water. I’ve gotten pretty good at filling the minutes, taking up journaling, meditation, and games of Words With Friends, but some days I can’t help but loathe my demanding illness and the way it steals time from me, daily. Some days I’d trade the extra hour in bed in a heartbeat for those dingy sneakers and early morning runs. Some days I’m tempted to scream, “Screw it!” to the salt tablets and the water and the waiting, throwing on a pair of workout clothes and running out the front door. But I know I wouldn’t make it very far. I know with my condition and these early hours, I’d hardly make it to the living room, let alone down the street. On these days especially, my body feels like a cage.

Picture of my old running shoes.

It was December of 2019 when I was officially diagnosed with a common yet scarcely known medical condition. After over a year of debilitating fatigue, dizziness, heart palpitations, and other miscellaneous symptoms, my doctor confirmed I was suffering from a form of dysautonomia called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (also known as POTS). This condition affects my heart rate and blood pressure whenever my body is upright, making it difficult to walk or stand for long periods of time. Things like dehydration, heat, or extended periods of inactivity can intensify my symptoms, which is why mornings can be such a particular challenge.

With POTS, every morning is a battle. After lying horizontal for eight hours, it takes a lot of time, salt, and fluid for my body to tolerate being vertical again. A good, long night of sleep means waking up dehydrated, and waking up dehydrated means it’s even harder for my stubborn, misbehaving nervous system to regulate my heart rate and blood pressure. On good days, my body will wake up within the hour. On bad days, it can take up to five hours before I am finally functioning. On flare days, I never reach “functioning” at all. It’s been almost a year and a half of these fluctuant mornings, and waking up into a flare day is still an infuriating letdown. 

On this typical Tuesday, I have physical therapy in the late morning. After all my tedious preparations, my mom and I climb into my car, her in the driver’s seat and me riding shotgun; a switch that is now routine. I sneak a quick glance at my mother sitting in what used to be my seat and feel my heart twinge with longing. As a twenty year old, I miss the freedom of sitting behind the wheel, and the independence that comes with a license and a set of wheels. I miss coasting down wide Texas roads, belting all my favorite songs, and mindlessly heading wherever I needed to be headed. These days, I’m scarcely headed anywhere, save physical therapy and my favorite local burger joint, and even before the entire nation locked down for a raging pandemic, I’ve been essentially homebound, my life revolving around physical therapy, doctor’s appointments, and sitting in the park. How did this happen? I wonder yet again. When did I become so boring and sad and crippled, and how do I make it stop? Turning my head, I look out the window, knowing the unchanged answer to these persistent questions. Still, I can’t help wishing it was different. 

Picture of me after physical therapy with lunch from my favorite local burger joint, P. Terry’s; My family likes to call this “PT after PT”.

I stroll up to the front desk, signing in for my session and beginning my usual small talk with the charismatic receptionist. “What did you do this weekend?” she asks, innocently and unassuming. Considering how it rarely varies, this question shouldn’t be so hard, but I find myself scrambling to think of anything significant. “Uh, honestly, I can’t remember. Just a typical weekend I guess.” I reply, paired with a basic shrug. My weekends are quiet now, given that I’m still quite physically limited and because of this they blur together, usually consisting of the following three things: reading, writing, and completing my at-home physical therapy exercises. It’s a routine that still feels novel and odd, another aspect of my new life I’ve yet to settle into, and I often find myself embarrassed of its stark simplicity; it’s painfully uncomfortable to admit how physically limited I currently am. 

My illness has changed many things about me, including what I can and can’t do, and this new life I’ve been thrusted into frequently feels like it was meant for someone else. Even in the forgiving privacy of my bedroom, I am constantly surrounded by pictures, clothing, trinkets and trophies curtly reminding me of the life I’ve had to let go of this past year. I can’t get dressed in the morning without seeing t-shirts representing programs and communities I used to be a part of, or hop in the car without seeing college bumper stickers that were once filled with pride and promise, but now burn with the sour taste of sorrow. Every new day of mine starts and ends in a shrine of my old life, while the hours in between burst with reminders and recollections of everything I’ve lost. For the past eight months, I have fumbled around my childhood home, trying to accept this new version of myself, all the while resenting that it even exists. 

I’ve become a regular at the physical therapy clinic over the past five months, consistently coming twice a week for my hour-long sessions. I’ve never really been a regular anywhere, and I certainly never expected it to be here, of all places. As I set up in the gym, waiting for my physical therapist to finish up with a previous patient, I take in my familiar surroundings and wonder how this accustomed routine can still manage to feel so foreign. A year ago, I was in class at a university I adored. A year ago, I was juggling homework assignments with rehearsals, singing Italian arias in practice rooms and wondering what musical might be chosen for the upcoming semester. Now I’m sitting in a gym at a physical therapy clinic, peddling my feet on a recumbent bike and doing exercises that are designed to help me stand in the shower and go to the grocery store. The change is enough to make me dizzy, or maybe that’s just POTS.

Despite the overwhelming change, I’ve discovered the remarkable capacity to adapt that every human carries within. I’ve learned that it doesn’t take long to latch onto the in’s and out’s of chronic illness, and I’ve quickly gotten used to the salt tablets and electrolyte drinks and slugging liter after liter of water. I’ve gotten used to my medication regimen, the slow mornings, even having to sit in the chilly, shorter showers I’ve begrudgingly been forced to adopt. But I’ve never gotten used to the loss illness brings, the persistent canceling of plans, and all of the sacrifice that comes with putting your health first. I’ve not yet gotten used to the novel post-diagnosis life, the “new normal” people speak about that’s never once felt normal to me. I trust one day it’ll click for me and I’ll find a way to live beside or without my illness, going through my days unchained, but for now, I’m still figuring it out, half heartedly trying to get used to things I frankly don’t want to get used to. 

An assortment of my favorite salt tablets and electrolyte drinks.

I can get through a Tuesday with my eyes closed, and I can recite the sodium content in various different electrolyte drinks without missing a beat. Off the top of my head, I can tell you the average time it takes for someone to get diagnosed with POTS – a lengthy four years – and I can also probably crush you in a game of Words With Friends (I’m kind of a pro by now…). But the one thing I can’t do is get used to the realm of chronic illness, and all the sacrifice it demands. I can’t get used to the world of symptoms, the too many days spent feeling unwell, and the holidays and birthdays shared with my condition. I still have yet to settle into the unforgiving flare days, the laundry list of limitations, and all the stolen time that’s taken from me daily. I can’t, I won’t, and I don’t think I ever will.

You get used to chronic illness – after all, it is chronic – but you also never do.  At least, I certainly haven’t.

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