Category: Uncategorized

Healing is Hard

On August 23, 2020

Healing is harder than I thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, when I first received my POTS diagnosis, I understood I was at the beginning of a long, windy road to recovery, one filled with bumps and detours and a tedious chain of obstacles. I knew this process would take time, patience, and an unspeakable amount of grit, that it would be far from easy and incredibly grueling. But I guess I unconsciously assumed that once I began feeling physically better, the rest of my troubles would wither away. I assumed that my biggest struggles were solely physical, so once my health improved, I’d be ‘all better again’. Lately, I am learning, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Up until a few weeks ago, I held a narrow notion of healing, one that revolved around a peace and mending of the body and mind, characterized by a centeredness and calmness while involving a hefty amount of therapy, meditation, and organic green juice. And while there is some truth to all of this, I’m learning that healing looks and feels different for each individual person, that it’s just as psychological as it is physical. Healing can be a long, snotty cry in your room, the act of doing something you’re scared to do, or giving yourself permission to feel emotions you’ve ignored or pushed away. Healing can be spending time with friends, feeling the warm breeze against your skin, or it can be the making of hard sacrifices, putting your health first yet again for what feels like the millionth time.

There is a part of me that was surprised to find that the process of healing is incredibly messy. In fact, for a while, I assumed I must be doing it wrong, as if there is any “right” or universal way to heal. I approached my recovery the same way I approach life, with an impulsive need to embody perfection. I wanted my uphill battle to be brisk and linear, free of any detours, slips of the foot, delays or distractions. I wanted my worst days to live behind me, to stay behind me and for good, and I wanted to catapult myself into wholeness and good health. When I first got diagnosed that warm December day, I wished to slingshot myself froward, to find some magical remote that would fast forward me to the good part, to the part where I’m all better again.

A gif of an Angry Bird being launched by a slingshot.

It’s easy to be mislead from the reality of healing when the process is sounded by words like “journey” and “inner peace” (not to mention the fact that these terms are almost always used alongside sparkle, heart, and star emojis). These misconceptions are reinforced when outsiders only see half of the picture, when insight comes in the form of staged photos of victories and celebrations and not the day in day out trudge that encapsulates chronic illness. Let this be your daily reminder that there’s always more to someone’s story than the snapshot you see. In the words of my favorite quote, “You never know what people have to go home to. Be kind.”

Over the recent months, I’ve learned that even as my health improves, feeling physically better is only an aspect of the healing process. The damage chronic illness does to the psyche runs deep, and it takes time to process the loss, events, and emotions that come along with getting sick. When I was at my worst, I didn’t even have the energy to form opinions on what I was experiencing (other than “this f*@*$&! sucks”…) because I was too busy trying to stay strong and salvage the scraps that were my life. Now that I’m doing better, all of these unfelt emotions are waiting for me, as if I’ve returned from a disastrous vacation to find my home infested with roaches.

As complicated as these unprocessed emotions can be, at the worst of it, my illness had a way of simplifying my life; when my energy was scarce, my priorities were clear. Meanwhile, my symptoms acted as a form of guidance, managing my schedule and dictating my days. Feeling tired? Rest. In pain? Lie down. Dizzy and nauseous? Head to the couch. The more constant these symptoms became, the more I got used to feeling that way. Being unwell became my new normal, and at some points, it was simply expected. Now that I have more energy, it’s almost an unusual sensation as for the past three years of my young adult life, I’ve been crippled by chronic fatigue. At times, it now feels like I’m traveling without a roadmap, or that I’ve acquired a lucky lottery ticket but don’t want to spend my loot too soon.

A picture of Homer Simpson, carrying the roadmap I wish I had.

The switch towards learning to live with my symptoms was, in a way, just as hard as being succumbed to them. Instead of surrendering, I had to pick up my sword and muster the courage to fight again. Integrating myself back into “normal” life is definitely harder than I want it to be, and it feels as if I’m walking into an unbearably bright summer day after spending sixth months in a cold, dark movie theatre. It’s reasonable to assume my eyes need some time to adjust to the light. After all, I’ve spent quite a bit of time fumbling around in the darkness.

The more energy that has returned and the less intense my symptoms become, the more possibilities there are on how to spend my days. With this newfound possibility comes a plethora of unknowns, and sometimes all the uncertainty can be frankly overwhelming. What will I do next with my life? Am I spending this energy wisely? Productively? As fully as I can? Will I do something meaningful with my improved health? Make something purposeful of this pain? The pressure to know these answers is heavy, and sometimes I struggle under the weight. The more progress I see in my recovery, the more pressure I put on myself to have my life all figured out.

Healing is hard. It’s harder than I thought it would be. It’s harder than I wanted it to be, and sometimes it’s harder than what I think I can manage. The good news is, I’ve made it through all my worst days so far (with an impeccable track record, may I add…). The bad news is, I’ve still got a ways to go with discomfort, difficulties, and unprocessed grief waving at me from a distance. I’m bound to catch up with them soon, and sometimes that tempts me to swerve off the recovery road, driving far away from the inevitable without ever once looking back. But other times like today, where I had a lovely morning at the pool, floating in the water and looking up at a clear blue sky, I think to myself “Look at how far you’ve come” feeling oh so lucky to be here, floating and alive.

There’s no denying that healing is hard, hard work. But some days, it’s beautiful too.

POTS Brownies

By howellsalli

On August 13, 2020

In POTS, Uncategorized

The other day, I hit 4500 steps. While this may not seem like a big deal to some, this is a huge accomplishment for me! For the past eight months, I have been slowly inching my way up to this number, so to finally hit my goal not only felt like a step in the right direction (pun absolutely intended), but a testament to my recovery and healing progress.

It’s been difficult to get these steps in during the summer because it is simply too hot outside, so I’ve taken after my dog and started pacing around the house. Every hour like clockwork, I get up to log my steps for the day, and oddly enough, with the COVID-19 stay at home orders/recommendations, my home has turned into a bootcamp of sorts. By the time everything opens up again and it’s safe to fully return, I’ll be entering the world with the strength to participate, resigning from my role of observer. Big cheers to that!

Why was my goal 4500 steps? Well, research suggests that women see health benefits beginning at 4400 steps a day (I did an extra 100 steps because I am an overachiever and memorized the wrong number…). To me, this number symbolized not only improvements in my physical strength and symptoms, but also represented a progression back to good health in general. I am on my way to becoming a fully abled, healthy human again and man, it feels good!

To put this all in perspective, eight months ago, I was averaging 800 steps a day. I couldn’t stand for longer than 6 minutes, I struggled climbing stairs, and many days, a simple walk to the bathroom was all that I could manage. The road forward has been daunting and painfully slow to say the least, but I’m so grateful for my team of doctors, physical therapists, psychotherapist and dietician for quite literally helping me get back on my feet.

To celebrate reaching this goal, yesterday I threw on my baking cap and whipped up a batch of ‘POTS brownies’ (minus the marijuana…). I found this gluten-free, dairy-free, and refined sugar-free recipe on TikTok and can confirm from personal experience that it is absolutely delicious! I will copy and paste the recipe and share it with you all down below.

Pictures of me with said POTS brownies. As for the unsightly numbers made out of powdered sugar, all I can say is that I tried my best…at least they tasted good!

Recipe:

1/2 mashed banana

1/2 avocado

1 egg

4 tablespoons of maple syrup

1/4 cup of cocoa powder

1/2 teaspoon of baking soda

Bake in oven for 15-20 minutes at 350 degrees, then devour and enjoy!!!!

The Worst Possible Question

By howellsalli

On July 27, 2020

In Uncategorized

“So are you all better now?”

I was asked this question once, a little over a year ago. I was standing on stage at the time, shaking from a mix of nervousness and malaise. Not only did I feel unprepared for the musical theatre final exam performance I was about to give to my professors, but I realized I was unprepared to answer a question as loaded as this one.

When I received this question, I had spent the previous five weeks juggling classes with doctor’s appointments and an assortment of debilitating symptoms, and the thought of opening my mouth and singing Italian arias seemed like an impossible request. I was still waiting on referrals that were over a month away, constantly calling doctor’s offices to check on waitlists and possible openings while also recovering from an unexpected trip to the ER. Most people in my circle of friends and professors knew I was battling health issues, but none of them understood the full extent of that struggle. It felt as if I had a front-row seat to the unraveling of my old life but at the time, I seemed to be the only one who knew it was ending.

Those six words and their question mark peered over me like a magnifying glass. Standing on stage atop the small blue X, I imagined myself shrinking to the size of an ant, scurrying in circles under the collective gaze of my inquiring, well-meaning professors.

It felt as if I had a front-row seat to the unraveling of my old life but at the time, I seemed to be the only one who knew it was ending.”

My mind went into overdrive as the minion operating my brain scrambled through crumbling towers of hurt. How would I reveal there was an unnamed, invisible illness running rampant beneath my skin? How would I disclose that my lack of a diagnosis meant a lack of adequate treatment and a lack of adequate treatment meant a progression of my already debilitating symptoms? How would I explain that underneath my fancy dress and full face of makeup, I had never felt more unwell, that the short walk to that auditorium was a disabling excursion that would wipe me out for the rest of the day?

Under the bright yellow light inside the auditorium, I struggled to find the words that would fully illustrate my predicament. As I stalled and stammered, the bright lights appeared to close in on me like a tight, unmoving spotlight, and I half wished I’d look up to see it coming from a search helicopter overhead, arriving just in time to rescue me from the suffocating situation.

I didn’t know how to tell my professors that I wasn’t “all better now”, that I wouldn’t be for quite a while, and that I was at the beginning of a diagnosis journey I was terrified to embark on. And even if I did somehow manage to find the words, would they even believe me? I stood before them in a full face of makeup plus heels and curled hair and a formal, flattering dress. I looked like all the other well, abled college students, resembling an attractive, healthy version of myself when really, it all felt like an extravagant costume. The attire that really suited me was back in my dorm, a crinkled mess of smelly sweatpants and a sweater, paired with a heating pad and my laptop for yet another evening in bed.

The rest of this memory is fuzzy now, and I can’t quite remember how exactly I replied. I’m almost certain I said something polite and gentle, probably adding a tasteful, weak laugh to mask my surprise and exasperation. I can tell you with full certainty that I didn’t say what I truly wanted to say, which would’ve been something along the lines of, “THIS IS THE WORST POSSIBLE QUESTION YOU COULD ASK SOMEONE WITH DEBILITATING, ONGOING HEALTH ISSUES!” I can tell you with unwavering confidence that I responded in a way that I always felt I had to: too kind, too polite, sacrificing my comfort for someone else’s.

Now, I have to give credit to the professor who asked me this question. They didn’t know what was wrong with me, and frankly, neither did I. My illness was still undiagnosed and also invisible, so only I truly knew the intensity of my symptoms. But from the very first appointment with my internist, I understood finding a name and explanation for my wide assortment of symptoms would be a long, tedious process. Referrals, I learned, took time, as does waiting for insurance approval and tracking said symptoms, and searching for a diagnosis can be a long, brutal game of ruling everything else out.

Eight months after receiving this question, I finally was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (also called ‘POTS’). For those of you who don’t know, POTS is a dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system that is characterized by rapid heart rate, dizziness, and fatigue among other symptoms whenever the body is upright. Thanks to a grueling tilt-table test, at last I could put a name to what I was experiencing; to say I was relieved is an understatement.

Because there is no cure for POTS, treatment consists of managing symptoms. This is typically done through medication, physical therapy, and increased salt and fluids, however one of the challenges to POTS is there is no “POTS Pill”. Because the autonomic nervous system controls the entire body, this can lead to the need for various MD specialists as well as individualized treatment, due to the fact that this condition affects every patient differently. Will I be stuck with symptoms forever? It’s hard to say, but my neurologist is hopeful I’ll recover in two years (this depends on the cause of POTS – for some people, POTS is a lifelong battle, but prognoses are general estimate anyways). So after these two years, will I be free from POTS forever, never to have another symptom or flare again? I truly don’t have an answer to that, but that sounds like a dream come true.

It’s certainly daunting to be diagnosed with a chronic illness (especially when you’re young!! But that’s a blog post for another day…). It sounds like a hellish promise (“curse” is fitting too) that one will feel horrible every day, all of the time, for as long as they shall live. The reality is, there are good days and bad days, and on average, I land somewhere in the middle. In other words, I’m a frequent flier between the land of well and unwell.

That being said, I have yet to have a day that was entirely symptom-free since developing POTS a rough two years ago. Symptoms still constantly interrupt my life, and even though I’ve learned how to integrate these limitations and restraints, I’m far from liberated by this debilitating illness.

But despite the frequency of my many, many symptoms (lol), the intensity has lessoned recently. Thanks to my doctors, physical therapy, and my magical dietician, I can tolerate much more activity than I could just a few months ago, and I have gained back quite a bit of freedom and independence. (Last week I drove myself to and fro my physical therapy session, which in total is over an hour of driving AND I worked out for an hour AND I stopped for lunch AND I took the long way home!! Major win!). These past few months have been much kinder and bearable for me, and oddly enough, in this time of better days, I’ve found myself asking that same loaded question.

“So are you all better now?”

Because I am doing better, there is a part of me that assumes I have to be “all better now”. That I can’t ever step backwards, that I can’t still be sad about getting sick, that I must be happy and grateful about all my progress and achievements. And in a way, it makes a lot of sense. Why wouldn’t I be happy about not feeling as sick as I used to? That alone is reason to celebrate! But the reality is, I’m still processing all I’ve been through. The reality is, I’m still not where I’d like to be. The reality is, I still feel sad that I have POTS. Still totally enraged. Still utterly in shock.

Even as I recover physically from POTS, there are hurdles in my mind that I’m continuously tripping over. There is a fear that follows me everywhere I go of what symptoms might arise, what activity might spark a flare, or what new episode might take over my body. This loss of control is still terrifying to me, and this disabling fear lurks in the background of my life like a camouflaged predator I can never outrun.

I’m doing better, but I’m not “all better now”. I hope one day I might be, but for now, I take it day by day. Healing from chronic illness often feels like a daily dance of baby footsteps; sometimes forwards, sometimes back, sometimes it’s merely a side shuffle, but the key is to just keep moving. These steps can feel discouraging when everyone else is whizzing past in a smooth, effortless waltz, but I choose to keep dancing with the hope that one day, all these baby footsteps might take me to that hazy horizon of healing, to that final, epic finish line of recovery, and to the top of this mountain where I can look down and say “I made it. I actually finally made it”.

My POTS Playlist

By howellsalli

On July 16, 2020

In POTS, Uncategorized

Music is medicine for me. It’s been one of my biggest joys since I was four years old, and so many of my childhood memories took place around a piano, practicing for recitals, jamming with my grandfather, or exploring the keys and creating melodies of my own. For eighteen years, music was a constant source of light in my life. In elementary school, I counted the minutes until music class. In middle school, I divided my time between orchestra, choir, and rehearsals for the school musical. High school was one, giant blur of voice lessons and musical theatre soundtracks as I drove to and from various musical theatre rehearsals. My home was wherever music was and that was perfectly fine by me. It was absolutely ideal, actually.

In 2018, after twenty three college auditions for musical theatre programs across the country, I landed at a small liberal arts college in Nashville, Tennessee. Known for its acclaimed music school and connections in the country music industry, I spent my freshman year of college with “I can’t believe this is my life” moments, pinching myself as I jumped from practice room to practice room, my days full of voice lessons, piano lessons, choir rehearsals, and more. But my freshman year was also filled with symptoms. And as the months went on, I watched an unnamed illness pull me away from the life I’d always dreamed about and worked tirelessly to build. When my illness forced me to withdraw from school at the beginning of my sophomore semester, I returned to my childhood home exhausted and angry and unable to stomach all I’d lost.

For three months, I blocked music out of my life. Car rides became silent except for the dull humming of the engine. Showers were no longer a place for song but a chamber of symptoms I dreaded entering. I traded my guitar for a pen, swapping out songwriting for journaling as I let words fill the rapidly growing, empty void inside me. In this time, I discovered how much I loved writing, one of the few creative acts I could still manage in my limited condition, but I also realized my deep love for music simply wasn’t going anywhere. It wouldn’t conveniently go away because I was no longer a music student. In fact, my love for music was alive more than ever before, but it was an unfamiliar, unbearable ache that was far too tender to touch.

My illness shook up my life like an earthquake and as it did, the inseparable relationship I had with music shattered. That constant source of joy and strength I depended on throughout my childhood slipped through the cracks of the broken life I was left with. As I trudged through the dark, uncharted terrain of the medical world, I needed music more than ever, but anytime I turned on a song and tried to sing along, I was reminded of how much I had loved and lost. Music eased my pain while also adding to it, and for a while, it was simply easier to shut it out of my life completely.

And yet, there were songs I came back to again and again throughout my journey with POTS. Songs that nursed me back to health, songs I clung to like a life raft in the raging ocean of illness. Songs I have compiled into a playlist, and want to share with you.

Click on the title of the song to have a listen.

Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson is a very special song to me. As my illness progressed during my freshman year of college, I remember lying in my bed, scared out of my mind, listening to this song on repeat until I fell asleep. I didn’t know what was wrong with my body or how I’d muster up the strength to walk to classes the following morning, but this song held my hand, tugging me through the rest of the seemingly never-ending semester one breath at a time.
Wild Horses by Birdy is what I call my “fight song”. I play it whenever I need some strength or extra encouragement to help me get through a tough day. My favorite line is in the chorus, and it goes, “I will survive and be the one who’s stronger”. It reminds of the resilience I’ve gained from POTS and pushes me to keep trudging forward.
Good to Be Alone by Theo Katzman is a song my best friend Hannah introduced to me. She kindly made a playlist for me a few months ago and this was my favorite song from it by far. During the time I spent unwell at home while my friends were off at school, I felt incredibly disconnected and isolated from the rest of the world. This song made me feel more comfortable about being alone while simultaneously reminding me of my best friend. I love the line, “However hard I hit the gas/the engine don’t run half as fast/as it once did” because it reminds me of the struggle of adjusting to my body’s new limitations.
The Eye by Brandi Carlile was a huge source of peace for me. I like the line, “You can dance in a hurricane/But only if you’re standing in the eye” because I feel as though it gives me permission to appreciate the joy and small breaks of delight that are scattered amidst the daily struggles of chronic illness. There’s peace within the eye of a hurricane, and sometimes it provides a brief moment of rest to survive the next wave.
War of My Life by John Mayer is another fight song for me. It helps me trudge forward and gives me strength when I’m freshly out of stock. I love the line, “Got no choice but to fight till it’s done”, because that encapsulates the reality of battling illness. While I certainly never chose this struggle, all I can do is find a way to keep moving forward. Really, that’s always felt like the only option I had.
I Guess I’ll Just Lie Here by Noah Reid. The title says it all. I throw on this song whenever I’m having a flare and am not able to be as active as I would like. The slow, somber acoustics usually match my mood on these types of days…
Re:Stacks by Bon Iver is almost the opposite of #6. The acoustic guitar is so sweet and calming to me, and has quickly become one of my favorite songs of all time. I throw it on if I’m ever overstimulated, as I find it soothing to my overactive nervous system, and the line, “Everything that happens is from now on” in the beginning really speaks to me because of all the ways I feel my illness has changed me. My life will be forever different from having POTS, and this line helps me accept that truth. All in all, this song is just so beautiful to me.
Whatever You Do by Brandi Carlile. If I had to pick one song to sum up POTS, this one might be it. The lyric, “I’ve never met a morning I could get through” at the beginning of the second verse means so much to me because mornings are usually the hardest part of my day. It is such a struggle to get my body vertical and functioning after a night of being horizontal and dehydrated, and I physically can’t just “hop out of bed” anymore. The line in the chorus that goes, “There’s a road left behind me that I’d rather not speak of/And a hard one ahead of me too” always felt so relevant to me, encapsulating the struggle of being roped into a long, painful journey and feeling forcefully stuck in the present because both the past and future are too daunting to think about. There are so many memories from ER visits and doctor appointments that I wish I could forget, and sometimes it’s unnerving to look ahead and see such a long, tedious journey to recovery. This song always found me when I felt stuck in the middle of it all, swimming in weariness and overwhelmed by my reality, and I found strength in the following chorus lyric that goes, “But I’ve got a life to live, too”. I always heard it as “But I’ve got a life to live to”, and it reminded me of what I’m fighting for and why I keep forging ahead on the hard road ahead of me.
Be Where You Are by Birdtalker is hands-down the most comforting song I know. The amount of peace this song brought me throughout the ups and downs of my chronic illness is immeasurable, and I’m convinced I wouldn’t have been able to get through this past year without it. “Be Where You Are” is a blueprint for how to get through hard times and I highly suggest carving out four minutes of your day to give it a listen.
Dog Days by Maggie Rogers. The pre-chorus of this song is so powerful to me. The lyrics go, “And if you had a bad week/just let me touch your cheek/Oh, and I’ll be there waiting/when you get frustrated/I know things are changing/But darling, I’m saying/I’ll be singing you in all of my songs”. These lyrics are so personal, and this song always made me feel like Maggie was singing directly to me, like somehow she knew exactly what I was going through. Through her music, Maggie become almost like a friend to me, rooting me on and encouraging me whenever I needed it the most.
You’ve Got A Friend by Carole King is a song I always popped on when my friends seemed so far away. As I mentioned above, illness can be incredibly isolating and I spent so much of my free time during my freshman year at college alone in my dorm room, exhausted in bed. This song got me through some of my loneliest moments, and made it feel like someone was there with me, holding my hand and guiding me forward.
In the Meantime by Jess Ray is another song that brought me comfort (noticing a trend yet?) throughout my experience with chronic illness. The chorus really stuck to me, and it goes, “And in time/I’ll let you in on everything I’m planning/When it’s time/I’ll let you see everything you’re asking me”. It ends with, “But I’m gonna satisfy/Everything in the meantime”. When I couldn’t make sense of the rapid, unwanted change that flooded my life, this song untangled the knot of worries in my mind. When it felt like I was free falling into pitch black, rock bottom, this song held me, cushioning my descent like a parachute.
Farther Along by Josh Garrels is one of the best feel-good songs I know. I play this song on my happy days, and I love the main lyric, “Farther along we’ll know all about it/Farther along we’ll understand why”. It reminds me to take the sunny days whenever they come, and to worry less about trying to figure everything out. This song is a big breath of fresh air and almost always manages to put a smile on my face.
Until I Die by Brandi Carlile. Another Brandi Carlile…okay, you got me! I’m a big fan! Her music is just so good and her lyrics always seem to resonate with me. The line at the end of the chorus that goes, “I made my mind/To live until I die” reminds me of when I was at my worst, thinking about all I wish I had done before I became so physically limited. I remember being driven past a tennis court thinking, “Why have I never played tennis before?? When I was fit and healthy and perfectly able?!” Developing a chronic illness has certainly shifted my perspective in an infinite number of ways, and it has pushed me to savor ordinary, small joys that I used to take for granted. Also, mark my word, I will learn to play tennis one day!
Back in my Body by Maggie Rogers. I’m going to end this list with another song from my girl Maggie. In a body that can feel stolen by chronic illness, it is a miraculous victory when old pieces of myself peek out through all the symptoms. I like to play this song in those precious moments where I feel like the Alli I’ve always known again, and celebrate the times I finally feel back in my body. The line “This time I know I’m fighting/This time I know I’m back in my body” always encourages me to keep fighting for as many of these treasured moments as possible.

I listen to music much more often these days and sing whenever I get the chance. My relationship with music has certainly changed because of all I’ve been through, but I have learned that no matter what, in some way, music will always be a part of my life. Singing and listening to music has become a large part of my healing process, and these songs restore me in a way no medication could; they are food for a ravenous soul and a bandaid for a battered spirit.

Much love from my ears to yours,

Alli

Couch Surfing

By howellsalli

On July 6, 2020

In Uncategorized

I’ve spent the past two days on the couch. Not by choice, but because of some testing one of my doctors ordered a few months back and I’ve had to come off my medication for it (which I’ve been absolutely dreading, hence the procrastination). Coming off medication is as much of a mental challenge as it is a physical struggle, and it’s definitely been a cruel blow to the bubble of peace my meds have graciously provided for me over the recent months. If anything, this testing has shown me the amount of freedom my meds give me, and in my hazy, symptomatic state, I’m convinced I will never take them for granted again.

I figured what better time to finally complete this testing than during a pandemic with loads to watch on my Netflix cue, but in all transparency, there’s never a good time to voluntarily subject to feeling unwell. I’ve done a lot of medical testing these past few years. Labs, scans, EEGs, autonomic functionality, the list goes on. I’ve spent a lot of this time, too much of this time really, feeling everything far from well, so I do everything in my power to prevent flares and symptoms, and more testing than what’s absolutely necessary. But sometimes these situations are unavoidable. Sometimes there’s testing that really must be done, so my only option is to hold on tight and brave the looming, incoming waves. Like I mentioned above, so much of chronic illness is a mental challenge as much as it is a physical struggle. POTS has certainly been the mental battle of a lifetime.

On a weirder note, my mom and dad drove downtown yesterday to pick up another sterile lab jug for me to urinate in. That’s true love (and also really gross, sorry!) and I don’t know how I’d survive POTS without them, frankly. Their love is a source of great strength for me, a deep reservoir I tap into often.

Coming off my meds for testing has been humbling to say the least, and I’ve gained valuble perspective on how much progress I’ve made in recent months. Last week, I went on a short walk in 90 degree Texas heat and was averaging around 4000 steps a day. I’ve been able to go swimming, walk through the grocery store (masked, of course), and I’ve begun an online class at a local community college, which has been enjoyable to give energy to. My medication regimen and physical therapy program are helping me claim my life back, but it’s a slow, lengthy marathon that happens gradually overtime. This type of progress can be harder to notice on a typical, day-to-day basis, so sometimes situations that put a jolt to my system (like this testing and weekend on the couch) remind me just how much better I am feeling these days. What a major victory!

But yesterday I didn’t feel quite so victorious. Yesterday it was a struggle just to walk to the bathroom. This can be the reality of chronic illness, the way it flows in and out of your life like an unwanted guest, ignoring rent payments and courteous roommate formality. It often loiters in the background before jumping out in fullforce, seizing days at a time and stealing pieces of you in its brisk, crippling stride. It’s a cruel, constant tug-of-war battle that I never agreed to play, but here I am holding on, grasping the weathered rope until my boney knuckles turn white.

I laid on this couch all day as people moved around me, going places, doing things. They had an actual day. They were free to roam wherever they chose, while I stayed still, cemented to this couch. I’ve gotten so used to this stillness, so used to the sitting out, that this worn out couch and I are almost buddies, a partnered, package deal. I kept wondering when I bumped paths with the world-renowned Cleopatra, wondering what kind of curse I encountered that damned me to this time of statue. Somewhere deep within me, I could hear my spirit whimper; held hostage within this body, it was chained entirely against my will.

That used to be my every day life for months and what a sad thought that is. Yesterday, I passed through that flare as a visitor, knowing no matter how bad it may get, I could resume my medications tomorrow. But that did little to calm the rattling of my bones, scarred and shaken from the days they have lived through. I truly don’t know how I got through that time, no matter how much I reflect or ponder. During those early, pre-diagnosis days, I don’t quite know what pulled me through the next moment, to the next morning, to the next month. Maybe it was my parents or that tiny glimmer of hope, but more often than not, my “strength” people commend me about seemed gone in all capacity. At the lowest points, on the darkest days, strength was nowhere to be found. Strength, I have learned, is more of a byproduct from pain, a callous on the soul that’s located deep within.

Even there, in that flare, there was progress. Immense progress. There was fear but there was knowledge, a trust and comfort in what I’ve learned about my body, about this disease, about how to get through hard days like those. It’s Monday, I am medicated, and I am already feeling better. But this morning I woke to a sweet surprise before I even swallowed my pills. The worst was over, the day was new, and I had survived the gnarly waves.

In My Dreams

By howellsalli

On June 24, 2020

In Uncategorized

The peach is fuzzy. Firm. Extremely unripe. The microscopic hairs tickle my fingers as I place the summer fruit back in its cardboard crate. I take a few steps, eyeing the bright red strawberries that have never smelled sweeter when suddenly, I am filled with an overwhelming desire to fall to the floor. The mild dizziness that typically lives tamely in the background fills my body in full force, panic creeping in as I quickly realize I am too weak to finish my shop. The fresh strawberries blur into scarlet spots, filling my vision with red as anxiety seeps out my body in small droplets of perspiration. My mind is racing almost as fast as my heart, swarmed with questions like, “What’s going on? What do I do, and where on Earth can I sit down?” There’s not a chair in sight. Do I leave my cart and try to make it to the car? Am I closer to the entrance or the exit? How long have I been standing here and can anybody help me? The thumping of my heart echoes inside my head as my eyes shoot open, adrenaline coursing through my veins. Another bad dream. Another POTS dream. Leave it to my debilitating medical condition to turn a simple grocery store shop into a rattling nightmare.

Not many people would find grocery stores to be frightening places, but ever since I developed POTS, my subconscious is filled with fears of getting stuck in public settings, too weak and symptomatic to walk back to safety (i.e. my car, a bench, any available chair). Normally, I can contain the fear into a small hum of anxiety, nothing more than a stream of nervous thoughts that only exist when my body is upright. But due to the months I spent debilitated with no access to the medical care I needed, these fears are rooted strongly within me, even as my condition has improved through my current physical therapy treatment. These fears are rooted so deeply within me, they’ve started to appear in my dreams.

Although my anxiety about my condition has been cultivating for quite some time, dreaming about POTS has been a relatively new occurrence. In fact, as my illness spiraled out of control last September, my sleep fantasies were actually the one place I could be normal, unscathed by the medical condition that bulldozed through my life. For a while, my dreams were where I felt healthy again, putting me back into memories and feelings I could no longer experience during waking hours. Sometimes I’d dream I was standing at a dinner party, shoulders back, relaxed on my feet, wearing high heels and tight, glittery clothing as I charmed a circle of close friends. I felt confident and cool, attentive and successful, starkly different from the person I was forced into being during the day, who laid on the couch under crushing fatigue, binging show after show and staring blankly at walls. In my dreams, I could walk without my heart racing unbearably. I could stand for as long I wanted, without having to worry about dizziness or near-fainting episodes or how much time I had until my body gave out. In my dreams, I was a full, abled person, and for a few quiet hours each night, I got to be my old self again.

Picture of the moon and stars, found on Pinterest.

The more time I spent waiting for treatment and the more disabled I became, the more my anxiety about POTS settled into my subconscious, wedging its way into those precious hours of slumber and polluting the dreams that used to be cherished. That’s when the grocery store nightmares began, turning simple, everyday tasks into large medical disasters. That’s when quietly, I began to fear leaving my house, daunted and unsure of what could spark an assortment of symptoms. There was even a period of time where I’d unintentionally designated the couch as a “safe place”, a location where I was protected and nothing bad could happen to me. When I lied on the couch, there would be no dizziness, no heart palpitations or shortness of breath, no terrible collapsing episodes that sent me to the ER. Lying on the couch couldn’t exhaust me more than I already was, and without proper medical treatment, walking was a risk I often didn’t feel like taking.

When I was officially diagnosed with POTS, the slow process of acceptance began, and acceptance meant that the illness was now a part of me, even in my dreams. It was real, confirmed, prevalent now in all hours of the day. After my diagnosis, I started dreaming about having to tell people about my condition, talking about all the tasks I could and could not do and how much of my life had changed. In my dreams, I relived my losses all over again, stepping into stories I ached to shed like snake skin. I starting having nightly visions about sitting in coffee shops with old theatre directors, having honest, raw conversations with highly influential people from my teenage years, from my life before. In other dreams, I now had limitations. I no longer dreamt about performing in musicals or belting a song on stage, unless it was it tainted by a whirlwind of symptoms. I started to have nightly visions of myself sitting alone at my kitchen table, confined within my home while all of my friends enjoyed a summer day in my front yard, basking in the sun without me. POTS invaded my dreams like a belligerent foreign army, and even in this nightly time of rest, I could no longer take a break from my unwanted reality. My illness was everywhere I looked, like enemy propaganda, brainwashing me into believing it would always consume my life.

But a few nights ago, I had a dream that I was running. I started off wandering in a field of wildflowers, taking in the sharp scent of freshly cut grass blowing in with the breeze. The sun shined down on me like a spotlight, a golden, heavenly glimmer, a ray of light pecking my cheek like a tender kiss from God. For the first time in a long time, the sunny heat didn’t bother me, my body tolerating and enjoying the warm air that surrounded me. For the first time in a long time, I felt the urge to run. So I did. My sneakers hit the Earth beneath me, bouncing with energy, strong and stable. Even though my mind was timid, filled with cautious thoughts such as, “don’t push yourself” and “take it easy”, still, I was running. In this dream, I was myself again, but I was my new self. The one who had survived years of hardship and medical trauma. The one who was stronger for all she had endured, kinder and more resilient. The one who was healing, and had found a way to live beyond POTS, pushing it into the background where eventually, it would fade until it vanished. In that dream, I was suddenly the girl who had survived, the girl who had grown, the girl I work every day to become.

A few months ago, this dream would’ve been a nightmare. It would’ve been hijacked by symptoms: head spinning, heart pounding, my lungs unable to breathe. I wouldn’t have been able to smell the fresh grass, spring with strength atop the damp Earth, or feel the sunlight gently kiss my skin, tender and with care. The beautiful meadow would’ve seemed like Hell, the heat and pollen aggravating my illness as the adrenaline convinced my panicked mind that the world was surely collapsing in on me. I would’ve woken up from the dream in a horrible mood, grieving for all I’d lost and exasperated at all still beyond my control. But this time, after this dream, I woke up feeling inspired, thinking about all the strength and knowledge I’ve gained, and how much I’ve grown from the exhausted girl I was just a couple of months ago. This time, I woke up remembering my progress, trusting my path, knowing that even if I’ve got a ways to go, with time and hard work, I’ll surely reach the end of it.

When I left school last year, I dreamt about it every night for a week. Each time I fell into slumber, I’d transport back inside my college apartment, laughing with my roommates and relaxing on the couch, or I’d travel to a practice room, jamming on a piano, enjoying my favorite thing in the world. In my dreams, I picked up right where I left off, a busy, abled college student prepping for class and rehearsals. But each time I woke from these nighttime journeys, I’d find myself back in my childhood bed again, painfully overwhelmed by another empty day before me. Believe me when I tell you there are so many better things for a young adult to dream about than passing out in grocery stores, or crying about a diagnosis. But I have faith that one day, as I heal and change, my dreams will too. I have faith that one day the grocery store will be a little less daunting and a little more of a weekly nuisance, and that I’ll get to groan about the inconvenience of long lines with all the other shoppers around me, instead of feeling anxious about the lengthy vertical wait. One day, I will run again, and it won’t be just a dream. One day, I will become the girl I dream about, and she will become me.

Shivering in the Shower: Girl vs Heat Intolerance

By howellsalli

On June 12, 2020

In Uncategorized

The steam was blinding. I inhaled it like it was cigarette smoke, inviting the vapor into my lungs and feeling it relax every tense muscle, one by one. The warm mist was like nicotine, soothing and addictive, and I came back every night to get my fix, eager and greedy. I was hooked, I was obsessed, I was completely dependent on a hot shower to keep me sane.

A hot shower used to be my daily ritual, my nightcap and melatonin, but more than anything, it was my happy place; I adored hot showers. I loved the clean feeling I’d wear for the remainder of the night, the soft smell of strawberry soap diffusing sweetly from my skin. I loved the warmth that radiated from my body for hours, feeling snug and cozy and tenderly taken care of. I loved everything the shower stood for: relaxation, serenity, peace. My nightly hot showers were dear to me, a privilege I understood to be a joy. A privilege that, due to a chronic medical condition, was swiped from my grasp over the course of a year.

I used to always say “there’s nothing a hot shower can’t fix”. And for a long time, I believed this to be true. It could sooth heartbreak, rejection, bad moods and bad days. It could ease sore muscles, clear out sinuses, effortlessly untangling twisted thoughts and feelings. But when I was diagnosed with a debilitating form of dysautonomia last year, my beloved hot showers couldn’t make it better. In fact, they only made it worse.

In December of 2019, a grueling tilt table test confirmed I was suffering from Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. It’s typically referred to as POTS, partly because it’s a mouthful and partly because Big Long Doctor Words tend to freak people out. POTS is a benign condition, but don’t let the quirky acronym fool you; this disease derailed my life. I went from performing in three hour musical performances and juggling college courses with rehearsals to struggling to wash my hair or walk up a flight of stairs. This type of dysautonomia is typically characterized by racing heart rate and lightheadedness when the body is upright, due to a malfunction of the nervous system that poorly regulates blood pressure and heart rate. This makes walking or standing for moderate to long periods of time difficult and exhausting, and although this condition is not life-threatening, its debilitating symptoms are certainly life-altering.

POTS is usually managed by increased salt and fluid intake, medications, and a modified, consistent exercise program, but it can be triggered by many different things. Warm rooms, hot days, standing up too quickly or lying down for too long. POTS can be triggered by dehydration, alcohol and hormonal changes, even from eating a moderate to large sized meal or particular foods. It doesn’t take much to send my heart racing, but heat is a consistent trigger for me. Within fifteen to twenty minutes of sitting in the sun, I begin to get tremors in my fingers, my heart rate increases, and I start to feel woozy and lightheaded if I try to walk around. This is because heat is a vasodilator, so the warmth causes my blood vessels to widen, encouraging blood to pool in my lower extremities and forcing my heart to work harder to pump blood to the rest of my body. Because of this, I’ve had to say goodbye to hot yoga, long days spent in the sun, tanning and sunbathing. I’ve said goodbye to saunas and hot tubs, most outdoor summer activities, and last but certainly not least, my beloved hot showers. Stepping into the shower at the end of a long day quickly went from a cherished stress-reliever and a therapeutic experience to a whirlwind of symptoms that sends me stumbling to the floor.

A picture of me lying down after my shower, taken in May. I still do this often.

Within two minutes of standing in a hot shower, my heart begins to pound, my fingers start to shake, I struggle to breathe, and my feet turn purple. Afterwards, I’ll feel drained of all energy, dizzy and fatigued, and become glued to the couch for the remainder of the day. It still baffles me the way a simple activity can be such a challenge, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few colorful words waiting for whoever’s up top, in charge of the universe. But because of my stubborn heat intolerance, and because I’d rather not use all my energy for the day on a simple shower, I’ve been left with no choice: begrudgingly, I’ve adopted shorter, cooler showers and baths, sitting down in the shower in an attempt to avoid symptoms. Showers are now a “get in, get out” operation, and there’s no longer time or tolerance for things I used to cherish, like singing in the shower. As a singer and music-lover for as long as I can remember, this has been one of the hardest joys to lose. Frankly, I’d give anything to belt showtunes in the shower again.

Because of POTS, I went from singing in the shower to shivering in the shower. I went from running and dancing and singing on stage to feeling completely wiped out from simply washing my hair. It’s been five months now of this new bathing routine, five months of temptation to turn the shower knob to the left, to claim back the heat and wash like I used to. Slowly, I’ve adjusted and gotten used to the chilly water, but there’s not a day where I don’t miss when showers were no big deal. When I could hop in quickly to start my day, or take my time and unwind for the night. I miss when they didn’t have to be planned strategically with my medication regimen, aching to go back to the days when I had no idea what a beta-blocker did. I miss when water temperatures were out of preference and shower lengths were out of pleasure, when my bathroom was a private karaoke bar instead of a harsh, challenging terrain tackled day after day. There’s no denying my new shower routine is by far more eco-friendly, but I miss the privilege of a long, hot shower; a privilege that used to be mine.

These days, I can’t go outside without an ice pack or a fan. I can’t stand in the shower, take a hot bath, enjoy a long day at the beach, or sunbathe in the summer. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the constant “can’t’s”. I get sick of the “used to’s”, of the “not right now’s”, of the “maybe’s”, and the “one day’s”. I feel like I’ve been waiting forever for the “one day’s”. For the day I’ll be able to stand in the shower again, belting and riffing to my heart’s desire. For the day I’ll run a mile and not think twice about it. For the day I won’t have to worry about hot days and ice packs and whether or not a lovely afternoon outdoors will spark a nightmare of symptoms. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to truly express the strain of living restricted by your body, spending day after day dictated by an illness. I hope one day I’ll finally be free, and there is a part of me that’s brave enough to believe it, but sometimes “one day” feels perpetually far away.

Pictures of me and my gear: an ice pack, personal fan, cooling cloth, electrolyte drink and an ice cold smoothie. I don’t use all of these tools every time I go outside, but the ice pack, fan, and electrolyte drink are must haves whenever it’s time to brace the summer heat.

But within the past few weeks, something beautiful has happened. I’ve noticed myself singing again, mindlessly, as I move about my house. A few nights ago, as I grabbed my pajamas and drew up a cool bath, I noticed myself humming an old favorite Taylor Swift song, something I haven’t done in quite some time. I stopped for a second, realizing it’s been over a year since I’ve had the energy to do this, to hum and sing like the music was a part of me, an extension of my spirit. To feel comfortable enough walking around my house, with fewer symptoms and much more ease, to express peace and contentment as music into the air. These days, thanks to physical therapy and my medication regimen, I’ve been able to move through the world almost how I used to, with lyrics and melodies and catchy tunes pouring out of me. For a moment I was struck by this facet of myself, the one that has energy for singing, for creativity and artistic expression, was here again, and it had defied the odds and risen from the wreckage of a life I loved and lost. It was a simple moment shared with no one but me, yet instantly I felt unified, whole, like all the broken parts of me were mending together. Like my emptiness was beginning to fill, like all the love I thought I lost was finally coming back to me.

Sure, it’s still not singing in the shower, but I’d say it’s better than not singing at all.

You get used to chronic illness, but you also never do.

By howellsalli

On May 26, 2020

In Uncategorized

It is a typical Tuesday morning, and my mother is knocking on my bedroom door. She comes bearing breakfast, carrying a vibrant red tray that holds a plate of fried egg and potatoes, a small, ripe orange, salt tablets and an electrolyte-filled water bottle. She’s wearing a smile and summons the sunshine, opening up my blinds to let the light in. “Good morning” she says, delivering a kiss to my head. She leaves me to wake up, and heads back downstairs.

I nibble on the kind food, waiting for my medicine to kick in before I can rush to the bathroom. I am grateful for her generous labor in the kitchen, aware of how much thought, time, and energy she put into making this food, but I also feel angry that I couldn’t walk downstairs and cook breakfast myself. I juggle this gratitude and resentment as I lazily circle my feet, stimulating blood flow and nudging my tired, cranky body to begin this new day.

My mornings weren’t always so slow, and it didn’t always take an average of two and a half hours to get my body functioning, but everything changed after being diagnosed with a chronic, disabling health condition last December. Vaguely, I can remember the days where I’d spring out of bed, throw on my sneakers, and head out for a two mile run before school. Those mornings seem like ages ago, like memories that belong to someone else except they don’t. They’re still mine. I have to remind myself of this often.

It’ll be at least another hour of circling my feet and waiting, an hour of getting up just to sit back down all the while chugging oceans and oceans of water. I’ve gotten pretty good at filling the minutes, taking up journaling, meditation, and games of Words With Friends, but some days I can’t help but loathe my demanding illness and the way it steals time from me, daily. Some days I’d trade the extra hour in bed in a heartbeat for those dingy sneakers and early morning runs. Some days I’m tempted to scream, “Screw it!” to the salt tablets and the water and the waiting, throwing on a pair of workout clothes and running out the front door. But I know I wouldn’t make it very far. I know with my condition and these early hours, I’d hardly make it to the living room, let alone down the street. On these days especially, my body feels like a cage.

It was December of 2019 when I was officially diagnosed with a common yet scarcely known medical condition. After over a year of debilitating fatigue, dizziness, heart palpitations, and other miscellaneous symptoms, my doctor confirmed I was suffering from a form of dysautonomia called Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (also known as POTS). This condition affects my heart rate and blood pressure whenever my body is upright, making it difficult to walk or stand for long periods of time. Things like dehydration, heat, or extended periods of inactivity can intensify my symptoms, which is why mornings can be such a particular challenge.

With POTS, every morning is a battle. After lying horizontal for eight hours, it takes a lot of time, salt, and fluid for my body to tolerate being vertical again. A good, long night of sleep means waking up dehydrated, and waking up dehydrated means it’s even harder for my stubborn, misbehaving nervous system to regulate my heart rate and blood pressure. On good days, my body will wake up within the hour. On bad days, it can take up to five hours before I am finally functioning. On flare days, I never reach “functioning” at all. It’s been almost a year and a half of these fluctuant mornings, and waking up into a flare day is still an infuriating letdown.

On this typical Tuesday, I have physical therapy in the late morning. After all my tedious preparations, my mom and I climb into my car, her in the driver’s seat and me riding shotgun; a switch that is now routine. I sneak a quick glance at my mother sitting in what used to be my seat and feel my heart twinge with longing. As a twenty year old, I miss the freedom of sitting behind the wheel, and the independence that comes with a license and a set of wheels. I miss coasting down wide Texas roads, belting all my favorite songs, and mindlessly heading wherever I needed to be headed. These days, I’m scarcely headed anywhere, save physical therapy and my favorite local burger joint, and even before the entire nation locked down for a raging pandemic, I’ve been essentially homebound, my life revolving around physical therapy, doctor’s appointments, and sitting in the park. How did this happen? I wonder yet again. When did I become so boring and sad and crippled, and how do I make it stop? Turning my head, I look out the window, knowing the unchanged answer to these persistent questions. Still, I can’t help wishing it was different.

Picture of me after physical therapy with lunch from my favorite local burger joint, P. Terry’s; My family likes to call this “PT after PT”.

I stroll up to the front desk, signing in for my session and beginning my usual small talk with the charismatic receptionist. “What did you do this weekend?” she asks, innocently and unassuming. Considering how it rarely varies, this question shouldn’t be so hard, but I find myself scrambling to think of anything significant. “Uh, honestly, I can’t remember. Just a typical weekend I guess.” I reply, paired with a basic shrug. My weekends are quiet now, given that I’m still quite physically limited and because of this they blur together, usually consisting of the following three things: reading, writing, and completing my at-home physical therapy exercises. It’s a routine that still feels novel and odd, another aspect of my new life I’ve yet to settle into, and I often find myself embarrassed of its stark simplicity; it’s painfully uncomfortable to admit how physically limited I currently am.

My illness has changed many things about me, including what I can and can’t do, and this new life I’ve been thrusted into frequently feels like it was meant for someone else. Even in the forgiving privacy of my bedroom, I am constantly surrounded by pictures, clothing, trinkets and trophies curtly reminding me of the life I’ve had to let go of this past year. I can’t get dressed in the morning without seeing t-shirts representing programs and communities I used to be a part of, or hop in the car without seeing college bumper stickers that were once filled with pride and promise, but now burn with the sour taste of sorrow. Every new day of mine starts and ends in a shrine of my old life, while the hours in between burst with reminders and recollections of everything I’ve lost. For the past eight months, I have fumbled around my childhood home, trying to accept this new version of myself, all the while resenting that it even exists.

I’ve become a regular at the physical therapy clinic over the past five months, consistently coming twice a week for my hour-long sessions. I’ve never really been a regular anywhere, and I certainly never expected it to be here, of all places. As I set up in the gym, waiting for my physical therapist to finish up with a previous patient, I take in my familiar surroundings and wonder how this accustomed routine can still manage to feel so foreign. A year ago, I was in class at a university I adored. A year ago, I was juggling homework assignments with rehearsals, singing Italian arias in practice rooms and wondering what musical might be chosen for the upcoming semester. Now I’m sitting in a gym at a physical therapy clinic, peddling my feet on a recumbent bike and doing exercises that are designed to help me stand in the shower and go to the grocery store. The change is enough to make me dizzy, or maybe that’s just POTS.

Despite the overwhelming change, I’ve discovered the remarkable capacity to adapt that every human carries within. I’ve learned that it doesn’t take long to latch onto the in’s and out’s of chronic illness, and I’ve quickly gotten used to the salt tablets and electrolyte drinks and slugging liter after liter of water. I’ve gotten used to my medication regimen, the slow mornings, even having to sit in the chilly, shorter showers I’ve begrudgingly been forced to adopt. But I’ve never gotten used to the loss illness brings, the persistent canceling of plans, and all of the sacrifice that comes with putting your health first. I’ve not yet gotten used to the novel post-diagnosis life, the “new normal” people speak about that’s never once felt normal to me. I trust one day it’ll click for me and I’ll find a way to live beside or without my illness, going through my days unchained, but for now, I’m still figuring it out, half heartedly trying to get used to things I frankly don’t want to get used to.

An assortment of my favorite salt tablets and electrolyte drinks.

I can get through a Tuesday with my eyes closed, and I can recite the sodium content in various different electrolyte drinks without missing a beat. Off the top of my head, I can tell you the average time it takes for someone to get diagnosed with POTS – a lengthy four years – and I can also probably crush you in a game of Words With Friends (I’m kind of a pro by now…). But the one thing I can’t do is get used to the realm of chronic illness, and all the sacrifice it demands. I can’t get used to the world of symptoms, the too many days spent feeling unwell, and the holidays and birthdays shared with my condition. I still have yet to settle into the unforgiving flare days, the laundry list of limitations, and all the stolen time that’s taken from me daily. I can’t, I won’t, and I don’t think I ever will.

You get used to chronic illness – after all, it is chronic – but you also never do. At least, I certainly haven’t.

“Hanging in There”

By howellsalli

On May 11, 2020

In Uncategorized

“How are you?”

The dreaded question. The lethal question. The loaded emotional landmine that’s constantly strewn about. It’s asked at the grocery store, at your therapist’s office, when you bump into an old friend in the middle of a busy parking lot. Sometimes, it’s a question we’re ready for. We’ve come up with some clever, creative way to deflect what’s really going on inside, or we brace it like an aggressive bust of wind, brave and unnerved. Sometimes, we’re not so ready. It catches us off guard, sends daggers into fresh wounds, and adds another layer of confusion to our frayed, dismantled lives. “How are you” is a question with various layers, used in various situations, for various different reasons. If you’ve ever found yourself hating this question, then this post is for you.

I’ve been asked this question a lot this past year. Often from people who knew I was in the middle of a grueling, tedious diagnosis journey, but also from people who were completely unaware of the unnamed, internal battle that completely uprooted my life. I grew to loathe this question and dread those three words because I never knew the right way to respond. The people-pleaser in me was too scared to be frank about how absolutely not-fine I was, and then there were other variables such as who was asking, where we were, how much time we had to talk; I wasn’t going to unload my emotional baggage in the middle of the grocery store to a mom of an old classmate I hadn’t seen since elementary school. She had frozen peas in her cart. I had a racing heart rate and limited ability to stand. That was not the time to unpack the unraveling of my old life. That was not the time to be honest.

A lot of times, I lied about how I was doing out of the sole purpose of convenience. It’s easier to stay on the surface of feelings when time is running short, when schedules are packed and rigid, and diving down to the depths of our darkness is an activity we don’t have time for. Other times, I lied to avoid derailing the conversation, or making friends uneasy about how upset I really was. Many people don’t know what to say when the response to “How are you?” is anything less than “fine,” and I wanted to prevent the lengthy awkward pauses, the stammering and searching for words that come when people grow uncomfortable. I was tired of my reality making people uncomfortable. So at some point, I locked the truth away. I stuffed it into the bottom of a drawer like a ratty old t-shirt, unfit to wear in public.

Sometimes I did try to be honest. I tried to tell my friends and family how hard it was to be at home, debilitated and overwhelmbed by an illness that at this point, was still unnamed. I tried to tell them how envious I was of other people who were still at school, living the life I wanted, and how difficult it was to watch the world go on without me. Sometimes my candor would open up the conversation, allowing a deeper connection to take place between us. But many times, especially with young people, I found they would freeze up, starkly unequipped to deal with these kinds of heavy conversations. My young college friends offered support and encouragement in the ways they knew how, and while their kindness and compassion deeply touched me, they usually didn’t have the life experience to fully understand and many of them felt pressure to know the exact, right things to say.

I wish I would’ve told them that I never needed a perfect, comforting response. I wish I would’ve told them that it wasn’t advice or encouraging pinterest quotes I was looking for, but someone who would show up, who would weather the storms with me and speak honestly about what they couldn’t understand. I didn’t need my friend to be my therapist, I already had one of those and a great one, in fact. I didn’t need to be told “everything happens for a reason”, and I also didn’t need constant reassurance that everything was going to be okay. Somehow, I had quiet hope that everything would eventually work out (emphasis on eventually…), it was just buried underneath mountains of grief and hurt and anger and exhaustion. I didn’t need someone to fix my problems (though that would’ve been nice…), I just needed a friend to help me ride the waves.

Somewhere along the path of constant “How are you?” and “How have you been?” questions, I started to cling to the response of “hanging in there.” To me, it was like a neutral, meet-in-the-middle kind of answer; an optimistic reply that would assure my friends I wasn’t falling into a massive, black pit of despair. It wouldn’t cause the blunt discomfort the response, “absolutely, utterly terrible” would create, and it was also kind of halfway true, so it wouldn’t be considered a flat-out lie. And so it became my go-to. I used it at the grocery store, I used it on texts from friends at college, and I used it on distant family members, careful not to cause any unnecessary worry about my progressively worsening, undiagnosed medical condition. It was safe, it was easy, but it was actually still a lie. Looking back, I despise those three words now. I wasn’t “hanging in there,” I was hanging by a thread, and hardly, at that.

Picture of an old conversation via text, showcasing one of my classic “hanging in there” responses.

While I understand my motives and am aware of the sometimes necessary convenience of the typical “fine” response, I regret not being more honest when people asked me “How are you?” I used “hanging in there” like it was a synonym for “barely holding on.” I clung to the phrase like it was a state of being I could reach, if I just said it often enough. But “hanging in there” is not for when an illness uproots and derails your life. “Hanging in there” is for twiddling your thumbs as your dinner heats up, or waiting a week and a half for your online shopping order to be delivered. As much as I tried to deny it, “hanging in there” was a lie, and one I still regret to this day.

So how am I now? I’m a bit of a mix between restless and hopeful. Somewhere in between frustrated and okay. I jump between these like a ping pong ball, never quite landing in one, but not getting stuck in one either. I still haven’t mastered the loaded “How are you?” question, and I often find myself jumping to the “I’m good!” response a little too soon. But I’m learning. I’m making room for not being okay, and letting go of expectations of what that’s “supposed” to look like.

And what about you? Are you “fine?” Are you “hanging in there?” Or are you absolutely positively terrible, taking your days breath by breath and hour by hour? We’re living in unprecedented times, and that can bring unprecedented feelings. But I urge you to invite it all in, to reject the convenient, comfortable answers. I urge you to have those hard, heavy, honest conversations because frankly, now we’ve got nothin’ but time.

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